he’ll never know…
It took like forever to hear his voice again. When he finally picked up the phone, his voice sounded like a stranger. It lacked the enthusiasm which I was so used to every time he answers my call. I looked for the tenderness in it, the manner in which he usually sweetly utters our endearment. That cold “hello” will forever cause me pain. I tried to let him know how happy I was to finally talk to him through the way I chatted but all I got was “ok”,” yeah”. When he found a longer phrase to tell, I listened with my heart as tears silently fell. He used to be sensitive with my every feel and every move but there was no sign he felt my crying. I felt the hardness in his every word and the strangeness in the way he talked. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to share. On the other line is the guy whom I took all the risk for, the reason for all the foolishness I had have been doing. And then as if like a bomb, he let go of the words I dreaded to hear. “I love her, I’m sorry”. I had no idea how to respond and I don’t know what he wanted to hear from me. He fell silent and I knew he heard me sobbed. He tried to speak again but it seemed we both can’t find the right words to say for that moment. . For 2 years I had been accustomed to hearing him say he loves me before I sleep and as I wake up in the morning. The idea of him telling that to someone else is a knife slitting my heart. How am I supposed to sleep at night without a text from him? How difficult would it be to wake up in the morning without that good morning text waiting to be read? How can I manage to go through a bad day without him to cheer me up? Will there be a day when I won’t miss his smile? Couple of minutes passed and I managed to say ”why?”. With a sigh he answered, “we both know why.” There was no more left to say. I wish could tell him I wanted to be us, but there was no more sense in doing that. He waited for me to speak but I was lost in the world of hurting. “this is goodbye then..” he said but still no words from me. “I love you..” finally I managed to say. It took me 2 years to tell him that….just as he hung up the phone.
