sad turn..

You wake up one morning with a heavy heart. You look around and feel that something is missing as if it can never be found. And you knew your life has taken a turn, a sad turn. You are so scared to look at the other side of the bed knowing he is no longer there. The morning smile and hug are now nothing but clear memories. The vivid picture of how it ended is something your mind is trying to block. Somehow you don’t want to believe that it is really over. You don’t want to accept that you have pushed him to the edge of no return. His scent lingers that you want to cry and beg him to come back but you know better than to do just that. And so you try to start your life alone and never really realized you haven’t been alone for long. Starting all over is so much of a pain to bear. Everywhere you look it’s as if he is there bringing that latte you so crave or that pizza you just saw in the net. You don’t want to go home after work to a dark house remembering how dinner used to smell as you walk in and how that “Hon I’m home” automatically form out of your lips. And how your ears have been used to “so, how was your day?” as he mindlessly scoops your face and plants a kiss on your lips. You wonder how you could have taken all of that for granted. How those gestures seem so usual that you missed their real meaning. If only you could go back to those times, you promise yourself you would do better. Now there is nothing left to do but go on with life as if freedom is something you welcome so eagerly. Now you wake up each morning wishing you haven’t woken up at all.

No…

He said no and his NO could not mean anything less…

The pain was just too much to bear and he was no longer sure if he can endure any more pain. Does he still love her? Undoubtedly he still does, but the complexity of the situation brought about by confusion, anguish, betrayal and lies among others have erased the question of love and its profundity. It is now fighting for self-respect. He has given more than enough yet he still has more to give but the consequence will be unthinkable, self-destruction and inevitable pain for both of them. Not only will he lose his self-respect but what really scares him is the possibility of no longer being able to give the slightest respect for her. He has put her on the pedestal of his heart for years and has had loved her in every possible way he can, beyond his knowledge of what love is and how loving must be shown. He has taken care of her for long, understood her, silently stood at the end of her tantrums and cried openly for her pain. He could never fathom why loving someone so much could tear a person apart, could never understand how he lost himself in the midst of giving everything he has. It breaks his heart to see her in tears even before he can turn his back. He wanted to hug her and stay and hope that everything will be fine. He wanted to convince his self that his love can do magic like erase her pain and is enough to un-complicate the situation and make what matters work. He waited for her to heal but she never did. And it was nearly late before he realized that his presence in her life was not helping her. He had pushed her farther down. For long, he fought for his love. With faith, he endured the pain. But loving her has taught him to be tough. Strangely, it was her who gave him the strength to let go.  And with eyes closed, he walked away closing everything for them.

Protected: ’til then..my love..

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all along…

He chatted about his day. I listened enthusiastically to everything he was saying. He held my hand and I clasped it back..tightly. He invited me to dinner and I automatically answered ok ‘cause it’s what you usually answer when your boyfriend invites you to dinner. We talked about anything and decided afterwards to have a joy ride and he suggested that we go to a place overlooking the city and I simply nodded. We drove and talked and laughed. While on traffic he held my hand instead of the hand break. And it felt good as usual. I wiped his back while he was driving knowing he normally sweat  despite the car’s air-condition system. We reached the part where we can see the city and decided to park the car. We pointed on buildings..tried to name each building actually. We argued on which house is prettier and shared ideas on what to do if the house was ours. Eventually he pulled me closer, making me sit between his bent legs and wrapped his arms around me then kissed the lower part of my right ear and softly whispered ‘I love you’. I smiled and I knew he felt it with his lips still on my cheek. He did not wait for an answer; rather he hugged me tighter… passionately squeezing me. He then held my left hand and fixed his gaze on my ring finger. My hear beat went wild, my emotion unexplainable. He took something out of his pocket and held it steadily in front of my eyes before he reluctantly opened it. My eyes were already full of tears at the brink of falling. His eyes too were misty. His expression full of fear ironically covered with hope. He slid the ring which perfectly fitted my trembling ring finger. And the tears uncontrollably fell. I was not able to look at him so he gently held my face inches away from his. A single tear fell from his eye as he unwaveringly said “Will you marry me?” I knew he already knew the answer which makes it more difficult for me to speak. His eyes were full of hope yet I felt that he has already surrendered. With that moment of silence he knew what I would have wanted to say but couldn’t. If only I can see him as he is and not long for the guy whom my heart has been seeing in him…. all along.

he’ll never know…

It took like forever to hear his voice again. When he finally picked up the phone, his voice sounded like a stranger. It lacked the enthusiasm which I was so used to every time he answers my call. I looked for the tenderness in it, the manner in which he usually sweetly utters our endearment. That cold “hello” will forever cause me pain. I tried to let him know how happy I was to finally talk to him through the way I chatted but all I got was “ok”,” yeah”. When he found a longer phrase to tell, I listened with my heart as tears silently fell. He used to be sensitive with my every feel and every move but there was no sign he felt my crying. I felt the hardness in his every word and the strangeness in the way he talked. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to share. On the other line is the guy whom I took all the risk for, the reason for all the foolishness I had have been doing. And then as if like a bomb, he let go of the words I dreaded to hear. “I love her, I’m sorry”. I had no idea how to respond and I don’t know what he wanted to hear from me. He fell silent and I knew he heard me sobbed. He tried to speak again but it seemed we both can’t find the right words to say for that moment. . For 2 years I had been accustomed to hearing him say he loves me before I sleep and as I wake up in the morning. The idea of him telling that to someone else is a knife slitting my heart. How am I supposed to sleep at night without a text from him? How difficult would it be to wake up in the morning without that good morning text waiting to be read? How can I manage to go through a bad day without him to cheer me up? Will there be a day when I won’t miss his smile? Couple of minutes passed and I managed to say ”why?”. With a sigh he answered, “we both know why.” There was no more left to say. I wish could tell him I wanted to be us, but there was no more sense in doing that. He waited for me to speak but I was lost in the world of hurting. “this is goodbye then..” he said but still no words from me. “I love you..” finally I managed to say. It took me 2 years to tell him that….just as he hung up the phone.

in silence..

He bowed his head in anger and did not utter a word and the tears fell from my eyes but I tried to suppress the sob. The anger and the hurt screamed amidst our silence. I wanted to hold him, hug him and ask for forgiveness but the guilt in me succeeded in stopping the act and tied my tongue that I opted to keep my silence. I spoke his name in the softest way but he shook his head and clenched his fist. I put my hand on his back and continued weeping wishing my tears has the magic to tell him how sorry I was and how much I love him in spite of what I have done. I braced my self for the blame, questions and burst of anger but he only treated me with a deafening silence. I could not see his face but his unvoiced pain pierced through my heart. We spent hours just like that. When he started to lift his head I just knew it was over. He took my hand, squeezed it tight then lifted it to his lips. He looked at me with eyes mixed with pain, anger, regret and love and all I could ever do was touch his face and memorize every inch of it. I stared at those eyes which I love the most about his features. I wanted to kiss him with all the passion left in me. He scooped up my face with hands I so love to hold and kissed me with tenderness engraved in my heart. If only I was able to stop the time at that very moment. He took me into his arms and barely whispered ‘ I love you so much’ and swiftly walked through the door and out of my life.

in the name of Love…

remembering u...always...

Dear YL,

I wrote this letter with a positive note in my heart that it will reach you no matter how far you are or how long it will take. With a sole intention of making you understand what happened and why everything ended with the big decision I made that caused you so much pain and hardened you heart. Regret has no place for I will stand firm with the decision of letting you go. I know I can never make you believe that until now tears still fall every time I wake up and realize you are no longer there, no longer mine and probably will never find your way back to me again. I have gotten accustomed to sleeping with your shirt on and hugging the **** you gave me and texting **** *** ****** good morning and good night as if you’re still at the other line smiling while reading my messages. I know that no matter what I say, it will never change the way you feel for me right now and that no matter what I do, forgiveness is still not mine to earn. I am not sorry for letting you go and giving you the chance to explore the world beyond my walls. There is so much that you need to see and it causes me pain to realize I am blinding you with the love you have and the misery that I am in. It feels like my miserable life is dragging you down. I can only wish that someday I will become the girl who can match the goodness of your heart… the one who deserves your love. But until then I’ll just watch you move forward and realize your dreams with someone else at your side. With my little understanding of what love is I hope you felt it somehow despite everything that I have done. If our paths would cross again I won’t ask you to talk to me or hug me, much less kiss me like the way you always do. A forgiving smile…that is all I want from you. My heart will always see everything…the way it used to be…

for Ma.****,

it takes great courage to fight for someone you love but it takes even greater courage to let go of someone you have fallen deeply beyond the simple meaning of love…

i salute you for what you did knowing that it is the best thing to do…God has found His way to your heart and I am so thankful you made that decision with His guidance…

After all these years…we still manage to keep our unbreakable faith….

Unborn Angel

Soft cry that is fading

Only the soul can hear

The silent laugh of a little voice

Is the noise for a restless conscience

Tiny angel you are supposed to be

But someone changed your destiny

The hopeful struggle for life

Was rewarded with an unwanted rest

The soft pledge for a chance

Was not given a simple glance

my little angel…

im sorry…u know i did try and i was still willing to try..

but i no longer have the chance…and you were not meant for us…

maybe someday…we will meet (again)…

- mommy

(i’m sorry , i wish there is something i can do to ease the pain..)

the cruel word…regret

Life indeed is full of surprises! It will never cease to amaze you with its complexity and enigmatic nature. At one point you believe you can stand with a decision you made but an anticipated turn of events can suddenly crush you and make you doubt if the decision was truly right. That is when this cruel word known as regret comes to greet you as if you are truly pleased with its existence. You tried to avoid, escape, ignore its disheartening presence but there is really no way to elude when it finds you. You get confused of what to do and how to deal with it. You try to convince yourself with the certainty of your conviction but the consequence proves otherwise. The fear of it haunting you forever becomes an unbearable burden you have to carry as you wake up and magically turns into a chain that makes it difficult to go through each day. And when you miraculously survive the day, you deal each night wondering how you can continue to exist till the morrow. Your heart and your mind continue to battle over right and wrong, a battle which you know no matter who will win, you will never truly feel victorious. The mind struggles to be unyielding but the heart can be stubborn. And it is only when you get tired of thinking that things begin to clear again. The decision was because of a reason and it is for that same reason that your mind is able to triumph over your heart. You follow the tracks that were blurred-out by regrets and, with time, you are able to get back to where you started. Slowly, you struggle to stand again holding on to a rope of hopes and picking up tiny bits of acceptance as you make your way up. It may take time to finally stand firm again but when you do, you will be holding the entirety of acceptance and will be carrying with you the lesson well learnt and these will be the only thing that matters.

For my ***:

i hope you will finally find someone who can fill the space she left when you let her go…

i’ll be your si-aw, kulit and palaaway sister.. always…^__^

Model: Norina May Luna

Photo by: Guy Jasper Gonzaga

So Long…

I Love You

But goodbye …

Although you made me cry
But, I’ll never lost your smile
Even just for a while

I regret why I left you
But I need to let you go

All those sleepless nights
I heard you sang a lullaby
I thought it’s for me
Yet learned, it’s for somebody

I gave you up
Though this love never stops
Suffering the pain
All from you I have gain

Without you, I know
It’s so difficult to go
Somehow I recognized
That life is still so nice

Oh love, I am blue
The moment I lost you
Somehow, I must go on
So now, I’ll bid you SO LONG!

 

 

hmmm…this is a poem written by my good friend Boe..we haven’t met yet when she wrote this poem..but maybe somehow in her heart..she knew…someday..someone close to her…can actually relate to this poem..

i love the simplicity of the words as written by a high school girl…

hugz and kisses Boe…

Photo by: Guy Jasper Gonzaga